לפני יומיים. 9 במאי 2024 בשעה 22:23
אולי צדקת, אולי נשמיד אחד את השני.
כמה פעמים נפרדנו?
כמה פעמים "הספדנו"...
וכמה פעמים חזרנו, נפגשנו, דיברנו, נקשרנו, ניסינו, קיווינו, רצינו?
וכמה פעמים התאכזבנו?
לצערי, לא כל אותן הפעמים קרו אצל שנינו בו זמנית.
אפשר להפוך את זה לפואטי, להגדיל אפילו לרומנטי בשקל תשעים,
ולקרוא לזה star crossed
אבל כל זה לא משנה...
ועד שלא אעלה לכתב את הכל, זה יאכל אותי מבפנים.
לא את הכל אני יודעת לנסח, לא את הכל אני יכולה.
לא לגבי הכל הצלחתי לגבש דיעה, או להבין מה אני מרגישה.
ובכלל, נראה שיש נושאים כל כך מורכבים, מעורבים, מבלבלים,
שאני לא יכולה בכלל לחשוב עליהם או לעכל אותם -
מה שמותיר אותי חוזרת שוב ושוב על אותן מחשבות, רצונות, וגעגועים,
שאולי הייתי מצליחה להשתיק, לו הייתי מצליחה להבין עד הסוף.
במקום זאת, הרי לך אוסף ציטוטים,
ללא קונטקסט, וללא מקור,
פשוט אוסף של כל המלל שצבור לי בראש, מהשירים שמתנגנים אצלי נון סטופ (בין אם ברמקולים ובין אם בלב),
שאולי מצליחים להביע את אלפית האחוז מתוך מה שאני מרגישה כרגע, על נושא אחד מתוך כולם.
אז בבקשה - אוסף ציטוטים, ואחריו כנראה יבוא אוסף "פואמות" אינטרנטיות, להן אתה בז כל כך
(מוכרחה להודות, שאולי יש צדק בכך...
ובכל זאת - הרי לך).
נ.ב, הכל כאן הוקלד (ולא הועתק-סטייל-קופי-פייסט) ידנית,
כניסיון להעסיק אותי מספיק זמן עד שארדם,
אולי כדי לאפשר לי יותר זמן לחשוב - מאשר והקצבתי את הזמן הזה בתור הזמן האחרון בו אתעסק באותה חשיבות בנושא הזה מעכשיו.
(ולמען שקיפות הקרדיטים אותה הבטחתי בתיאור הבלוג - אף טקסט מצוטט מכאן והלאה, אינו שלי. )
Caught within a dream - within a dream
A man within a man.
Caught within a thought - within a thought
An ocean so deep
He will drown in his sleep
And I - I contemplate what it is I want
So I can decide if this is working or not
And it's not, I know, but where can I go?
When I love his whole, but his parts are so broken
And I've hurt before and there's still a hole
But I promised I'd give this a go
Searching for solace and comfort
And I don't know if I can carry on
They called me crazy and they're right
I had a multitude of sickly dispositions, you didn't mind
Instead, you taught me how to dance, but not alone
Now, if love is a game, then I only played to lose
Because empires will rise and fall
Like tides
And I'll live through it all
But it won't mean a thing without you
Cause I,
I don't know how to feel
But I wanna try
I don't know how to feel
But someday I might...
Someday I might.
I think I forgot how to be happy
Something I'm not - but something I can be
Something I wait for
Something I'm made for
All I've ever done is hide
From our times - when you're near me
Honey when you kill the lights
And kiss my eyes
I feel like a person for a moment of my life...
But you don't know what hell you put me through.
There are questions I can't ask
Now at last - the worst is over
See the way you hold yourself
Real against your body's borders
I know that you hate this place
Not a trace of me would argue...
But I don't know what else that I would do.
Don't take this the wrong way -
You knew who I was
Every step that I ran to you!
Only blue or black days
would things be easier if there was a right way?
Honey, there is no right way.
There's an art to life's distractions
To somehow escape the burning weight
The art of scraping through
Some like to imagine
The dark caress of someone else - I guess any thrill will do...
I wake at the first crink of morning
And my heart's already sinned
"We were born sick" - you heard them say it
/
I was born sick - But I love it
Command me to be well.
My church offers no absolutes - she tells me, "Worship in the bedroom"
The only heaven I'll be sent to - is when I'm alone with you.
Take me to church
I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies -
I'll tell you my sins, and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death - a good god
Let me give you my life
No masters or kings when the ritual begins
There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin
In the MADNESS and soil of that sad earthly sin
Only then, I am human
Only then, I am clean.
את משהו מיוחד מאוד
ואני יצירתי
ועדין וסמכותי
מתי נתנשק?
דיברנו כל הלילה...
תשוקה גדולה
במסווה של רומנטיקה
בוא לא נעשה מזה סיפור גדול
Down in the forest with the devil in me
I remember the looks on their faces through the sycamore trees
Ain't no chariots of fire come to take me home
I'm lost in the woods and I'm all alone.
Hellfire, hellfire - take my soul.
You're so inviting - I can't resist it
It's like I'm born to play with fire - I think I like it
I want your trouble by my side - I think I like it.
I wanna feel your pins and needles
Pins and needles
Ain't got no stiches in single digits
You got inside me, I got your message
She's in my head again
She knows where I have been
I'm going down that road again
She's in my bed again
She marks her fingerprints
In my skin
I breathe her perfume in
And it burns like heroin
Now she's in me
And I can't let her go.
And my bones are caving in
And she stole my faith again...
She's in my veins again
But she knows I'll bleed her out
She's not right there beside me
And I go crazy cause here - isn't where I wanna be
And satisfaction seems like a distant memory
And I can't help myself
All I wanna ever say is, "Are you mine?"
Well, are You mine?
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is I need the deep-end
Keep imagining meeting, wished away entire lifetimes
Unfair we're not somewhere misbehavivng for days
Great escape, lost track of time and space...
I've seen your frown, And it's like looking down the barrel of a gun -
And it goes OFF
And out come all these words -
Oh there's a very pleasent side to you -
A side I much prefer
And it's one that -
laughs and jokes around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen?
yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was - up up and away
Oh, but it's right hard to remember that on a day like today
When you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on.
Oh I'm in trouble again, aren't I?
I thought as much.
Cause you turned over there
And pulling that silent-disappointment face
The one that I can't bear
Well, can't we just laugh and joke around?
Remember cuddles in the kitchen, yeah...
And yeah, I'm sorry I was late
But I missed the train,
And then the traffic was a state
And I can't be arsed to carry on in this debate
That reoccurs
OH when you say that I don't care - but of course I do, yeah, I clearly do!
Talking like we used to do
It was always me and you
Do you like walking in the rain?
When you think of love, Do you think of pain?
You can tell me what you see, I will choose what I believe
Well, hold on, Darling....
וכמה שטוב שבאת
בדיוק שכבר הרמתי את ידי
מה יש בה באמת?
שכל כך מושך
וכמו פרפר לאש, אני עיוור.
אולי עכשיו, ואולי אחרי
שהכל יגמר
נוכל להיפגש
נרצה להיזכר
Darling, you're with me, Always around me
Only love, Only love
Darling, I feel you, under my body
Only love, Only love.
Give me shelter, or show me heart
Come on love... Come on love.
Watch me fall apart, watch me fall apart.
And I'll be yours to keep,
Wind in the shadow, whale song in the deep.
It's just another night, And I'm staring at the moon
I saw a shooting star, and I thought of you
I sang a lullaby by the waterside, and knew -
If you were here - I'd sing to you.
You're on the other side
As the skyline splits in two
Miles away from seeing you...
(I wish) All of the stars will lead
Into the night with me.
And I know these scars will bleed
But both of our hearts believe
All of these stars will guide us home.
I can hear your heart on the radio beat -
They're playing "Chasing Cars", And I thought of us
Back to the time, you were lying next to me.
From the bottom of your heart, the relegation zone
I saw this coming from the start
The shake, Rattle and roll
There's no need to show me 'round, baby, I feel like I've been here before
I knew this would be on the cards
I knew you wouldn't fold
Baby, you're bad for me
like drugs in my veins
you bring me up just to fall in deeper
Drifting into your voids
All time you're making noise
You took the air that I breathe
Feeling so good, 'till you tear through my heart
Can't cover the scars anymore, baby
There's blood in the sky, and birds couldn't fly
And I'm losing my mind!
You run through me like bad drugs, yeah
Tearing me to pieces, prying on my weakness
you're like bad drugs, yeah
You go to my head, but fuck me up instead
Toying somewhere between love and abuse.
Freshly disowned in some frozen devotion
No more alone, or myself could I be
Lurched like a stray to the arms that were open
No shortage of sordidm no protest from me
She's the angle of small death and the codeine scene
Feeling more human and hooked on her flesh
I lay my heart down with the rest at her feel.
It's bloody and raw, but I swear it is sweet.
Leashless confusion, I wander the concrete
Wonder if better now having survived
Jarring of judgments and reason's defeat
The weat heat of her breath in my mouth - I'm in love
ולא היה לי טוב כשהיית איתי
את רחוקה מלהיות קצת שקט בשבילי...
-------------------------------------------
Be her calm. Be her home.
Don't be another battle she has to fight.
You can't keep doing this to yourself.
Holding on a love that doesn't exist, waiting for a change that'll never happen.
Stressing over someone who no longer desreves to be an issue in your life.
What kind of love is this, if you say you love me, but you can't choose me?
What kind of love is this, if you say you love me but don't show me I'm worth fighting for?
The love that you speak isn't the love I understand.
"What was the most pain you have ever felt?"
Healing from someone,
I once thought I would heal with.
I don't even get mad. I just get really quiet. What's the point of talking to them, and trying to communicate somehing that bothers you,
if they act like they didn't hear you?
If they can't respect your feelings enough to take it into consideration.
I will let you go, before I lose myself.
It's not because I don't love you.
It's not because I don't care.
It's because I know holding on to you
Will only hurt me more in the ends, and I no longer allow room for such pain.
I can love you, and still release you.
My mother once told me:
"Everytime you forgive him,
He will love you a little more,
But you will stop loving him - little by little.
So the day he loves you the most - you will not feel anything for him anymore".
I know it hurts, and you don't desreve that pain.
But you have to get up and start living again.
The healing is still going to be beautiful. Thos was just a setour.
You have a lot left to do and see and feel. please, Start living again.
I don't want us to meet again.
Even if we are the best version of ourselves, even if we already changed for the better, even in another life - no.
I don't want out paths to cross again.
You left a damage that is quite difficult to heal.
I am not sure which one is the worst -
Wanting you so badly - knowing you'll evantually break me,
or
Wanting myself to run away - knowing it'll surely break me too.
--------------------------------------------------------
לילה טוב
חלומות פז
sleep tight, and don't let the bedbugs bite
אוהבת
מתגעגעת
נפרדת
משלימה
מתמקדת בעצמי.
כל עוד אמשיך לחשוב שאולי נחזור, אמשיך להיזהר. אמשיך לכתוב לך, אמשיך לחשוב על מה תגיב לכל סיפור.
אמשיך לעשות דברים "בשבילך".
אמשיך להרגיש שלך,
לא אתן לעצמי להרגיש באמת
לא אתן לעצמי להיות.
שחררת אותי, שוב ושוב, אבל שוב ושוב משכת אותי חזרה, סתרת את עצמך,
רמזת שאולי
בזמן שאמרת שלא.
אני בוחרת שלא.
ולמען הפרוטוקול, וספרי ההיסטוריה,
הפעם ביקשתי להישאר. הפעם נכחתי. הפעם רציתי.
בפעם הקודמת עזבתי, כי בחרתי את עצמי - כי כבר בקושי הייתי.
הפעם אני עוזבת, כי בחרתי בך - אבל סירבת.
אתה סירבת.
אתה שחררת.
לא אני הלכתי ראשונה, הפעם.
ואני שוב בוחרת את עצמי. ואני בוחרת לא להישאר באוויר
ולא לחכות לניסים
ולא לקוות ששוב יהיה אחרת
ולא לעבור שוב רכבת הרים שכזו.
אני פותחת דף חדש
וכמו במחברת עם דפים דקים מדי,
שכתבה עליה יד קשה מדי עם לב כואב מדי,
גם הדפים הבאים, ואלו שאחריהם - מלאים כתמים, חריטות של טקסט, ואפילו כמה כיתובים שעברו דרך חורים בדפים הישנים.
אבל דף אחר דף,
אמשיך לפתוח
אמשיך לחפש
את הדף החדש,
הדף הנקי.
תחילת הסיפור שלי.